Purest of e2wen~* [Version 2]

2009-04-28T23:35:00.001+08:00

I kept thinking about an incident which happened yesterday.
I finally mustered up enough courage to give the red chrysanthemum to him the night before.
Was hoping I won't bump into him after that because I didn't know how to behave around him anymore.
Which was pretty much a joke to be played on me because I saw him two days straight.
And on those occasions, I did not try to make contact with him.
It was too painful I guess, to think about it all.
The shame, the disappointment.
I should have known, I tried too hard to be normal around him.
I know I can't, but I tried, even if I knew he knew all along.
I just had to go ruin things for myself.
I feel so much like a failure.
I don't think he'll like me like this, but I can't help it.
I just feel like dropping everything I have to complete by tonight and cry myself to sleep.
I guess the sadness I've been trying to hide and pretend doesn't exist is finally seeping in.

2009-04-27T12:34:00.002+08:00

I don't like admitting it, but it's a fact nonetheless.
I AM expecting something in return but I guess this is just like how it was with Meng Fai back then.
Only difference is probably Kev doesn't hate me, or so I think.
Don't know, somehow, it's all just depressing.
Yes, depression has finally sank in, little by little, bits by bits.
I guess I really was hoping too much.
I mean, if things were to happen, it would have happened long ago, no?
Only consolidation for today was, I kept bumping into him.
I swear those were cute meets, not intentional stalking.

2009-04-26T22:39:00.002+08:00

After several days of panic attacks and whatnot, it's finally over and done with.
Next up, to see whether things will fall into place or not.
All of a sudden, it doesn't seem to matter whether it'd work.
I'm happy as it is, the little bliss that follows anticipation.
Just hope I can handle disappointment the same way.
Glad it's over. (o=

De battre mon cœur s'est arrêté

2009-04-25T16:47:00.002+08:00

The beat that my heart skipped.
When I see you, your face in a random photo, or just the name Kevin.
I think I'm addicted to you.

至亲爱的王学长

2009-03-19T03:39:00.000+08:00

就因为知道你看不懂华文所以决定这样向你告白。
嘻嘻，我很顽皮吧？
其实是把这段爱慕埋在心底真的很令人郁闷。

喜欢你有两年多了。
从悄悄喜欢上你到决定告白到告白不成到你恋上别人到帮你追求她到你们分分合合到决定放弃到你和她完全了断到重新喜欢你，你都有几分本事嘛。
哈哈~还是我自己太天真太傻？

我喜欢开始发现到自己恋上你的时候。
那时的我，满面春风。
后来的我，虽不至于以泪洗脸但天天阴阴沉沉，自己看到都讨厌。

所以我决定，我不要再爱慕你了。
我要把你变成我最好的死党，最亲的哥儿们。
因为我情愿从未开花结果，也不想让你从我生命中失去。

而且，我其实非常痛恨情绪被你（或任何人）牵着走的我。
不喜欢因为你没对我笑而发脾气。
更讨厌和你传简讯时每五秒钟就望望手机的笨模样。

所以我决定了，我现在向你默默地告白因为我要放手了。
感谢你一路来给予的丝丝小幸福，片片小快乐，我是真心喜欢你的。
祝福你在感情路上不会像我那么坎坷，快快找到那个和你长厢思守的人。

再见咯！

all over again

2009-02-03T22:08:00.002+08:00

the exact words i used went relating my feelings with mei were falling in love with him all over again. but love is too strong a word, so i guess it's safer to say i'm having a crush on kev all over again.

after all these years, one would think i'd be so over it. initially, yes. i finally had enough reaffirmation to say i'm 100% over kev. was so happy when i realised that cuz that fact has been eating me up since it started.

watching him grow steady with ju was the hardest thing. part of me, the one which adores him so much, felt so happy to see him happy, while the other part is simply filled with ,what else, jealousy.

then, as the road got bumpy for them, i was secretly rejoicing. felt bad for being that way but i'm only human. i wish i never wished for them to break up. makes me even more guilty now that they are not together anymore. especially during that short period of time when i'm actually over him.

then, after a series of unfortunate event, in the sense that they trick me into believing once again, i'm sad to declare to the world (secretly) that i'm bloody back to square one. i can't believe i'm actually falling for him for the second time!

whoever said having a crush is sweet? that idiot probably wasn't having a crush for real. yes, there's definitely the little happiness which brightens up your day whenever you get a cute meet with your crush. but the inability to focus on anything else is just too painful.

life has to go on! especially when you're having a crush on the same guy! and that everyone else is just too sick of your nonsense! aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

怎么又来了？

2009-02-02T21:22:00.000+08:00

虽然明知人家心有所属但还是痴痴地等了两年多。
也就算了。
好不容易等到终于可以完完全全一百巴仙地说：
“我已不再在乎”。
结果这一个月下来所发生的一连串事情又再次得让我心动。
悲哀……
又要等多几个两年多来平复这重新被唤醒的心？

媚说：
“幸福不是天上掉下来的，（是靠自己争取，）用心经营。”
我知道呀。
我非常了解啊。
可是当我发现到我们之间的友情已升华到兄弟情时，我过不了自己那关。
不想去冒连朋友也做不成的险。

况且，他今年就要毕业了。T_T

Kev is single

2009-01-27T03:51:00.000+08:00

Yay?
I'm not sure if I'm excited about it anymore.
Just when I've finally let go, he had to tell me he's no longer together.
Why? Why can't I know earlier?
I could have done something instead of wondering if it matters anymore.
Sigh.

2008-12-22T01:38:00.000+08:00

I guess I might too, if I have the chance.

2008-12-21T01:38:00.000+08:00

Couple photo. Har. Har.

Extreme Emotions

2008-11-01T10:25:00.000+08:00

When everyone else is worrying their guts out over finals in two days time, I woke up with a bad dream this morning.
More precisely, less than half an hour ago.

I lied on bed thinking about the dream.
While checking my phone for sms.
Two, there were.
One from JY: Good morning! at 4a.m.
'cause she woke up to study
Another from S.Zhi: Want me to buy anything?
'cause she went to Padang Besar.
I made some sound to capture Re's attention.
Who just woke up too.
Showed her the sms from S.Zhi and she shook her head.

Then, I held my hands out to her.
She, thinking that I needed a hand to get up, came closer to pull me.
But she noticed right after, that I wanted a hug.
Which she offered, and tears started rolling down my cheeks.
"Why?" she asked.
I shook my head and replied, "Bad dream."
And sobbed even more.

In my dream, someone extremely dear to me died.
But not in front of me.
I was still in college when it happened.
And no one dared tell me.
When I did go home, I didn't believe those who told me because I kept feeling her presence.
Every time I open a pack of chips she loved, she was there to fight for it.
Every time I open a bottle of her favourite drink, her reflection was on the surface of the drink.
In fact, every time, she talked to me.
How was I to believe those who told me she died??

But as time passes, the time she appears seemed short.
Sometimes, she disappears after saying 3-4 lines.
Sometimes, her reflection simply stares back at me no matter how I talk to her.
I asked louder, no reply.
I shook the bottle to get her attention, the reflection blurred and remained silent.
I screamed my question to her, she continued to stare at me.
I would continue doing anything I can think of to make her talk.
Until I get too exhausted, and I'll be staring a normal bottle.
Her reflection left.

I didn't care.
I'd still rip open the chips whenever I wanted to talk to her.
I'd still open another bottle whenever I needed her advice.
Whenever I missed her.
Whenever I felt like I'm starting to believe she wasn't there anymore.

Until one day, nothing happened when I ripped open that pack.
I was dumb folded for a second, before reaching for another pack.
Maybe she didn't like that flavour anymore, I thought to myself.
And ripped open another pack.
Still nothing.
I ripped opened another.
And another.
And another.
I was panicking when nothing happened after the tenth pack.
I started with the bottle.
One bottle opened.
Two bottle opened.
Three bottle opened.
I lost count of bottles I opened.

When all else failed, I told myself never mind.
I can look for the unfinished pack I kept in the kitchen.
She appeared when I opened that pack.
She's definitely going to appear when I open it again.
But she didn't.

I started crying, throwing things my hands picked up along the way to the floor.
I threw a tantrum.
I asked everyone I see why she didn't appear when I did those things.
Why?
Why??
WHY???

I sat amidst hills of chips, opening one after another.
Like a chips opening machine.
Telling myself she's not appearing because I didn't choose the right one to open.
I kept opening.
And opened even more.
And more.
And even more.
And I woke up, wondering why I behaved like a lunatic.

As I press my head on Re's tummy, I knew why.
While everyone is afraid to fail finals, I was afraid to lose the ones I love.
I never knew I was that afraid.
Or perhaps, I was ignorant of this fear because I was too scared to see it face to face.
And I didn't want to believe it was going to happen.
But this evil brain of mine, had to rub it in.
Rubbing it hard, and right on the spot where it hurts most.
Because the she I mentioned throughout this whole entry wasn't my grandmum, like some would have guessed.
Instead, she was Leng, my elder sister.

I knew she's doing what she had always dreamt of doing in a place she wished to do it.
But in a manner so difficult she sometimes find it hard to continue.
She's one hell of a lemonade machine.
Turning the lemons Life throws at her into the world greatest lemonade.
And selling the recipe to Coca-cola to achieve maximum benefit.
She's powerful and strong like that.
But she's still human.
And it breaks my heart so much whenever she's in her human stage.

I'm not sure if you realised by now, that I'm fuck scared.
For I cried, even as I type this out.
My hands trembled as I hit the keyboard to spell out my thoughts.
I know it's not going to work even if I tell everyone I love "Please don't die".
But I so scared.
Do you see?

I named the entry Extreme Emotions because I was pissed angry when I started it.
I had another story on the second extreme emotion I always feel: anger.
But I don't think I can put it down now.
That's a story for another day.

Him, again

2008-10-30T02:49:00.001+08:00

I don't know what I want to feel anymore.
If I don't see him, I don't feel a thing.
But when I do, there seems to be something going on.
And yet, I cannot pinpoint what is.

It's been two years (and two months) since I match made them.
Two freaking years (and two months) damn it.
And I willingly became the matchmaker.
Now, I still hope for a miracle to happen.

Especially after I noticed they haven't been hanging out together in public.
What more to know they hardly see each other out of public.
And for me to bump into them a couple of times.
In town, separately, on different days, with each other’s friends.

My heart tells me he was taking pictures of me during dance practice.
My head tells me he's helping his friend to take those couple pictures.
I hope it's the former, and he hadn't told me he's single now. I hope.
But I dread, I dread to seek the truth behind all my fantasies.

2008-09-06T18:04:00.002+08:00

1 year and almost 4 months since the previous post. in between, more bgr issues came up than ever before. simply because i never took notice of them because i've always thought i'd never attract any attetion. seems like i've been proven wrong. or well, things are still gloomy as always. i secretly hope pros would break up with girl so i can get together with him. really, i am evil.

2007-04-15T12:04:00.000+08:00

I had a dream yesterday afternoon. I dreamt of being on top of an observation tower sorta stuff with a friend. We were joking and teasing each other when he pushed me on my thigh since we were sitting on the floor, crossed-leg. Somehow, things eventually got to the point that we were pushing each other while continued laughing and joking and I suddenly realised we were over the limit of the intimacy friends should have. And that he has a girlfriend already. He didn't stop me a bit from getting him all over and was doing the same to me. Probably the realisation that he's taken made my mind continued the dream that he suddenly stopped and talked about the girl. It was pretty upsetting be it in the dream or in reality. I guess I cared for him more than I ever imagined. Sigh.

2006-09-01T15:17:00.000+08:00

haha~ so he finally is with her. funny how i couldnt sleep last night although i think i didnt lose sleep because of it. it was more of too much laughter before sleeping. he has officially turned into one of my brothers. yeap, definitely better this way than to hurt myself to continue putting hope into something so vague.

2006-08-06T04:00:00.000+08:00

i knew she had to leave, i didnt want to wake up, i didnt ask how she planned to go.

i woke up, i remembered, i called her.

she answered my call, she heard my question, she avoided answering a proper reply.

i turned aggresive, i pounded on, i got the answer in the end.

she took my advice, she called him, she went off with him on his bike.

i smiled through the phone, i hung up, i frowned.

i gave her the idea, i once thought i could use, but it never happened, because i am not her.

i want to help, and i want to stop, and i cant make up my mind to hold on or let go.

i tell myself to forget about it, my mind listens.

he treats me a little better, my mind is decived.

2006-07-18T13:27:00.000+08:00

ah, it's no fun having a contradicting mind. one part wants to confess while the other decides to put up a poker face. tis not good since inner conflicts are one of the biggest reason to suicide cases. hahah......

when the news of him taking action reached me, i was with the girl herself. couldn't show my pain immediately. worse still, i had to laugh along. like mayday's satisfied, laugh while crying is the most pain. can't agree more. one part wants to see him because i missed him (wtf?) but the other dreads to see him. in the end, i still saw him but i looked away. was pretty much giving out the couldn't-care-less sorta signal and i suppose it's highly dangerous since it'ss probably jeoperdize my social status but... i don't know what i want anymore, again.

2006-07-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

ouch man, its so fucking pain. like, PAIN!!!!11111 grr, i don't understand, why do i have to be such a busybody and help Pros get Gurl's number. now that he's messaging her, i feel jealous! yes! blue or purple or green or whatever fucking colour it is to show i'm fucking jealous. fuck fuck fuck. shit la, i don't understand why i have to let myself be so bothered by this matter of the heart. i mean, it's just another one, no big right? but still! right now i'm fucking pained. like, majorly fucked kinda pain. fuck fuck fuck. just so pain. grr, thank god for friends to rant to, else i won't recover so quickly. but that doesn't mean i'm any less pained. argh! $%$#$*(*%$#%#$%

2006-07-08T23:13:00.000+08:00

maybe sleeping late really is bad for health, i slept at 5ish and woke up remembering a weird dream. people say dreams are often things we think too much about during waking hours. perhaps so, 'cause I dream that I was looking into Pros' eyes and I jumped back to consciousness. wonder how it would have felt if i didn't wake up. waha!

so it started of with the most illogical way but dreams ARE illogical anyway. so there i was sitting in front of the computer when a friend told me some guy came looking for me.

"hey Jeff is here looking for you."
"what???"
"noh, there he is."
*look out the door*
"hey, want to go out on a date with me?"

don't know i was so calm and turned him down politely. i never thought of that situation in real life. hmm, does it mean i subconscisly find this friend having the potential to go deeper in a relationship? no idea.

anyway, scene changed and i was walking out to a gathering point to board the bus with a whole bunch of people but i hadn't a clue where we were going, be it in the dream or when i think back. so when i realise i was in a rather inappropriate outfit (read: different from other people), i decided to change. good thing there was another bus coming so the leader told me to hurry up.

i remember running up a flight of stairs and saw Pros at the main entrance of the place i was going to. (i know i was supposed to go change but hey, it's a dream, nothing is logic) somehow, i jogged past him to the side entrance, entered the house (yes, enough of your wtf) and went to the main entrance and opened it from inside to let him in.

we were talking about something when i felt like drinking water so we moved to the sink. there was this electronic filter which was connected straight to the place where water comes out. i took a glass out of now where and started filling it up straight from the outlet.

"hmm, funny how the glass feels so electric."
"is it?"

then Pros gently (yes, must emphasize on this. lol) took the glass from me and drank fom it. he choked and freaked me out a little. after catching back his breathe, he told me it was the water which was carrying electricity. without much thought, i drank from the same glass and found nothing different about the water. still thirsty, i filled the glass again but midway, Pros took the glass from me because he didn't want me to hurt myself. (awww~) then when he passed the glass to me, i got shocked literally after the first sip because of the electricity from the water. Pros got freaked out and asked me how i felt. i looked up to him and told him i was fine. i smiled meekly at him and we were both staring into each others eyes.

then, the most impossile thing happened. as mentioned earlier on, i woke up just like that. bloody potong stim wei.

2006-05-12T03:10:00.000+08:00

what can i say, second post of the day and it went back to bgr.

so the Dude finally got a usable phone, but up till today, he never sent me a message to inform me that he's able to text message again. besides that, it's been long enough since i last talk to him in reality. in fact, i haven't been seeing him around at all. what can i conclude from this? finished fate?

during the time i couldn't text message with Dude, one of his friends, Shaman, was the one who accompanied me through lots of stuff. those stuff were not necessarily major and all, but he was there through thick and thin, and i am very grateful for that.

during one of the messaging session, it started off with plain enough stuff that would bore anyone out just to read the content until he suddenly mentioned he kinda missed me. Shaman is a good guy, and his bunch of friends labelled him Ustaz. so, to ~~hear~~ see that from him was really surprising. and the next day, he shocked me again by sending a "good morning to you but good night to me cuz i stayed up to finish my work" at 6.30am. i was like, oooookaaayyy, he's telling me probably because i was the last person he messaged. then, there were a few more messages asking me to get back soon because he wants to have dinner with me.

i have to admit i was pretty much freaked out because he knew very well that i had a crush on Dude, and he's Ustaz. took me some time to get used to the situation and he finally cleared his intention without even knowing he made me misunderstood to begin with.

i sent a message during midnight and decided to switch my phone of for a day to see what will happen when people can't get me. when i switched it on again, i saw a messge from Shaman at 3.30am. i was surprised at why he was still up and i felt kinda unhappy because i was actually up at that time because it was a warm night.

i asked him why and he told me he was thinking about a girl. apparently, the girl moved and they lost contact since then. it happened 2 years ago but he still misses her. isn't that sweet? =) so yeah, after being paranoid that Shaman was acting weirdly, everyting is now crystal clear and i don't have to be worried that he was somehow falling for me.

and that last sentence makes my hair stand because it's so full of narcissism!

on another note, knowing very well that things will never work out with Dude, i guess it could be part of the reason why i don't get as upset as i would before when i don't get to see/message him or to even have dinner with him. besides, i noticed a better option. [evil laugh]

i know i sound real bimbotic bu going on and on about nothing but guys, but it has to be clear that this is written anonymously because i want to rant but at the same time, don't want anyone who knows me in real life know anything about all this. so there, this blog will only consist of thoughts which are not known in reality.

being in this society that i am in, it's rare to find a male, and even harder to have a Chinese guy around. so, to have Pros around is really kewl, especially when both our origin is the same.

right from the beginning, i felt happy to have him around simply because we have the same hometown. then, more points from Pros because he is also a com avid. when it turned out that we are to work as partners for the year, i found myself having more and more chance to discover his qualities.

it started off which a pure, platonic thing. somehow, through the journey of time, i was liking him more and more, without realising. up till recently, just so out of the blue, we were talking more, which was how i realised my first impression about him was quite wrong. either that, or he changed, but the fact that i could be wrong is way higher because i normally judge wrongly.

Pros is a shy kinda guy, and i enjoy making fun of him with my openness. at one point, he stunned me by reacting openly too. so i thought, ok, maybe he was shy at first because we didn't know each other that well. then, as time goes on, he became friendlier. not that he wasn't in the beginning, but his greetings are now warmer.

during dinner last night, i was happily chatting away with my friends when he showed up with his bunch of friends. a babe close to me knew a little something about my adoration for him and nudged me. i glanced over be he was lookin in my direction, so i gve up trying to say hi.

after some hoohum, babe and i decided to move to another table. and happens that, the best table was a table next to the one Pros and gang were sitting at, but with his back towards us. we continued to gossip and all when they decided to leave. everyone from his group stood up to leave but Pros was still on his chair. when the table was slightly cleared, he stood up and walked to the other side of the table. i was checking him out and just when i was about to look away, i caught him looking over at the corner of my eyes.

i tried to tell myself to stop being so perasan but i couldn't help but think he was checking me out too. i continued to swim in my imaginary pool of bliss while hinting babe about what was on my mind. babe laughed my thoughts off and continued with her nonsense. i felt as if a pail of cold water was splashed at me from head to toe.

i tried to focus on a television nearby but my eyes kept drifting over to his direction. [gawd, i feel so much like a slut]

moments later, he stood up again and walked over to a world cup poster to study it. my eyes were still on him when he turned around to finally leave. i managed to keep on a poker face to continue to stare at him in a very thick-skinned manner as he was facing me after turning around. and there it was, i was looking at him when he looked over.

being the imitation of a true blue slut, i was struck by a gush of embarassment and quickly looked away, hoping and hoping that i didn't blush at that point. after Pros left, i was trying to slow down my heart beat when i saw babe staring at me.

"what?! why are you looking at me like that?"
"did you see what i saw?"
"[acting innocent]how would i know? what did you see?"
"i hope what i saw wasn't him checking you out while you were actually checking him out in the first place"

by then, i was already bloody embarassed and actually lost my words to defend myself. with all honesty, i really don't know if he was checking me out. he might just have looked in my direction without seeing me at all. maybe he was actualy checking babe out. i don't know, and i don't think i would ever know for sure.

then, babe continued to pound on me about it and she concluded that i'm officially over Dude and is crushing on Pros. i'm not sure about what she said myself, but i know that i was in a very delusional bliss when she said Pros and i are quite a match for each other.

fralala¬ i wonder if he feels the same. kakaka!

2006-05-12T02:24:00.000+08:00

reading back, i realised most of my post are bgr related. i thought to myself, heck, am i really just concern about my bgr? then, i suddenly have a friend related story to tell here. guess having your friends reading your more publised blog has it's cons too.

met G mid of last year and at that time, due to a certain difference in status, we were treating each other as acquintances. when this year came around, the diference was gone and somehow, despite the major arse gap between out personality, we managed to grow into a deeper relationship aka friends.

things got a little sour in between when i guess i got over concerned about her way of socializing. i broke it down to her but stil hurt her in the process. thankfully, at the end of that phase, not only was she not mad at me for life, but she managed to see it as a sign that i was sincere about befriending her. the ship level up and it was in between of the so called best friend rank and close friend rank.

then, few weeks ago, assignments came rushing in. given my slumberness and undeniable laziness, i was still cool and calm about the tasks while G was putting a lot of pressure on herself. with that, we started getting chill with each other. she couldn't stand my i-can-only-work-when-i-feel-like-it attitude and at the same time, her i-am-feeling-pissed-therefore-everyone-must-listen-to-me attitude pissed me off.

not defending myself, or being ignorant that i have my weaknesses too, she really is being too much. i felt so mentally worn out just to see her face. i know i'm not hating her or anything, but being in the current state that i am in, it would be wiser if i stay away until i extinguish the rage i get whenever i find a trace of that stuckupness in her face.

over any issues that deals with my emotions, i often remind myself that

your heart can only feel what you allow it to

and, everytime i speak of anything unpleasent of her, be it when ranting to myself or grumbling to others, i always get the smack on the face strike of guilt. i know i should stop, but being bitchy and all ain't of much help. ish, i hope with the weekend of G-less, i hope time heals and i would be able to move away from this sticky situation.

2006-05-01T00:28:00.000+08:00

i feel so green right now, or is it purple? or blue? i'm not too sure, but i know i'm deep in a pool of jealousy.

Dude's handset has been cranky since long ago. he realises the inconvinient that problem brings him, but due to financial issue, he has yet get a replacement. so there, no text messaging or calling for close to a month.

the beginning was like usual, cuz i don't live on his replies, but as time goes on, i know i was missing him more especially when i'm surrounded by lovey dovey peeps. there was even once i got so impatient that i told a friend to pass him a hint that i missed him a lot and hope he would be able to borrow a phone from some friend to message me. i was THAT desparate. somehow, there was no end to my desparation. in fact, till now, i have yet to receive anything from him.

the thing being i have been away, and the last time i left, he actually took the effort to call, surprising me and all. when i got back, i managed to steal a few minutes of one to one talk with him and he apologized for not being able to send me messages. i was disappointed that he didn't bother to loan a phone for even a few minutes, but i wasn't mad at him.

everything was fine and all, like the surface of a quiet desserted lake. yet, with the same example to describe, apparently, things weren't that quiet beneath the surface. i was told that he DID manage to find a handset to use, but he did not tell me in fact, he has been rext messaging with a friend of mine. to be fair, the friend and him know each other longer, and closer than i am to either one, but it's just so upsetting to know of that information.

i don't know if it's true, i don't think i want to know either. heck, i'm actually more disappointed that i'm actually feeling jealous. =/

2006-04-09T00:07:00.000+08:00

finally a year, but, it ended half a year ago. i guess i still care, i guess i still wonder how it would be like if things never did end, however, it ended anyway. i thank First Love for being, well, my first love. i know i will always love him, but the type of love probably changed into another sort already. may God bless him always no matter how far he is from him. ah.... i miss ~~hugging~~ him. lol.

2006-04-03T11:07:00.000+08:00

typed this in my handset while i'm on my way to a tournament.

moments ago, i felt my phone vibrating and i thought it was just an illusion since it's really bumpy and noisy to sit in the last place. still, hoping it's a message from the dude, i took it out.

the shock i had was rather minor, but it still surprised me nonetheless because instead of getting a good luck message from the dude, i saw his name flashing on the screen for a call. like, really really unexpected cuz of his 90% spoilt handset.

talked for 6 minutes and 29 seconds and one can easily guess i'm somewhat in bliss right now.

ah, the joy of liking someone. =D

2006-03-23T15:51:00.000+08:00

had a week of break and did not see him for 10 days. cute thing is, i didnt realy miss him like i thought i would. maybe it was because i made up my mind to not do so. perhaps. either that, the crush is fading. hmm, thats would be great since it should be better as his friend.

anyhow, the so called signs are still so freaking. was transfering picture while listening to my mp3 player the day before yesterday. while transfering, the picture will be screened. so there, it was the turn for a picture of a drawing i did with our names when a particular song which meant equal to him for me played. freaked me out so much till i gave out a scream. lol.

then, 2 hours later, i went for a jog and was walking around to warm down when it started to drizzle. since i was going for my shower after warming down, i happily went out into the open within a guy restricted area and played in the rain while music continued to play.

moments later, i spotted someone jogging. the thing being anyone who pass by will see me in the rain, so i was kinda annoyed cuz i was trying to keep that habit of mine low profiled. turned towads my right to prevent exposure of the face when i suddenly realised i found the running figure bloody familiar.

just as i suspected, it was him! man, it was like, "hmm, would be great if it's him passing by. but don't think he'll like the idea i'm out playing. never mind... oh wait, fuck, it is him!" god, it was so embarassing that i pretended i did not see him.

moments later, a message received. could tell him was unhappy but i tried brushing it off by replying in a carefree tone. the text message session ended in a rather bad manner so i met him for dinner yesterday even though i made rules to not do so unless he makes that first move of asking.

was cute to know he was surprised since i called instead of messaging him, and dinner ran smooth. when asked about whether he was mad over the rain incident, he made a face and looked away. silly boy was acting as if he was still mad. but he lost in the arguement cuz his friend was on my side. lol.

ah, it was good to have taken that off my chest. really, even if things were not meant to work out in the romantic way, i definitely wouldnt want to lose him as a friend.

2006-03-09T00:19:00.000+08:00

i am so dead, so royally dead. i just found out my weakness with guys. i totally dig guys with sexy legs!

oh dear, why did he had to roll up his pants and let me see his muscular legs? doesn't matter if i wasn't exactly sexually aroused, but to know he possesses such sexy legs, i'm now in too deep. help!

2006-03-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

apparently, when i'm assuming that he would never go any further after that unexpected confession, his reaction makes me think again.

to suddenly force him out of bed and bitch to him was impusive, and to confess right after whining about everything was totally random. still makes me smile to think about his reaction upon hearing it. =)

knowing that i've put him in a hard position of desire and responsibility, i feel awful to have opened my big mouth. hence, the vent in class few days ago.

due to lust and affection,
i long to be in his arms.
but knowing what is right,
i pray to high power that he would fulfill his responsibility.

he mentioned being unable to sleep well too when i told him i was sleep deprived. for a moment, i thought i was going to strangle myself. ah~ i love my impromptu from time to time, but seems like it is causing me almost the same amount of trouble. gah.

dinner with him the other night was kinda cute, knowing that he was waiting for me. i saw from far that he was pretending to read the papers while waiting, but his neck was twisted backwards looking at the direction i would appear. i had to hide behind a pillar to control my giggle before showing my face.

when he saw me, he stood up and greeted me. told me to place an order but i told him i was to attend a meeting in half an hour time. i was only planing to have a drink while waiting for time to pass, but he insisted that i eat.

"get something instant."
"nah, don't feel like eating..."
"no, you must eat."
"not hungry also"
*glare*
"k k, fine, i'll see what i can buy."
"doughnuts, those are tasty." (i doubt he tried)
"doughnuts? k lo."
*takes one*
"you're taking one only?!"
"yar, why?"
"you're so big (physically), one is not enough!"
*glare*
"so you're trying to say i'm fat la?"
"i didn't say anything."
*keep quiet*
"eh, don't la like that."
*continue to keep quiet*
"ok ok, i'm sorry. you have a meeting to attend later, please take more."
*turn away and take second doughnut*
"why not some curry puff too? looks very very delicious."
*glare even more*
"take one, one only."
"if i get fat, your fault."
"eh, why??"
*evil grin*

so i was mad in the kidding sort of way, but on another level, i was feeling rather, sweet, perhaps, that he was with me throughout the time, 'cause normal guy friends won't really do that. at least, not mine.

after paying, i continued to stand near the counter and started eating. his friends made noise and told him to get me a sit. i was quite reluctant to join their table so i hesitated. luckily, he motioned to another table. te only thing about it was, the table was right next to the table his friends were at. some of them stroll around trying to capture solid evidence of our being together. *roll eyes*

we talked about some random stuff, and from his tone, stare, expression and stuff, he made me believe he might somehow be like what his close friend told me. seems like he is just a ficker as i am. worries me to think of what could happen. should he ever ask THE question, i'll definitely be in glee, but to consider the other factors, sigh, best that he doesn't do anything at all.

guess this is one of the times i totally regret doing what i did.

2006-02-23T15:18:00.000+08:00

things that happened yesterday night scared me. why are there so much coincidence?

choir practices are on tuesday nights but but for this week, it was moved to wednesday, which was yesterday night, for a reason i have yet to find out. so there, roomie decided to have dinner at the cafeteria, hang around in the library until it's time.

when the appointed hour came by, the usual trio went down and i was pretty surprised to see majority of the group weredown there too. so anyway, talked to a few mates when roomie suddenly let out a shocked kinda noise which in return, shocked me too. i looked towards the direct she was staring at and *drum rolls* there he was. i was in mid sentence so i finished off the last bit before waving to him. he kinda like walked off without much of any response. though slightly disappointed, i told myself to not bother about it.

someone took out his laptop and i went over to get him to let me transfer some stuff into my mp3 player. without checking, i sat down on a chair and was happily clicking away when i noticed my butt was getting cold. i stood up frantically and got bloody embarassed when i realised my pants was wet. fuckness, of all days, i decided to wear that particular pants that does not hide wet parts well.

annoyed to no end, i stormed back to my room to have a change and when i was down again, i could not be bothered to talk to anyone. finished off my stuff and hopped out the fence with my mp3 player blasting songs into my unfortunate ears. everyone could see i was pissed.

somehow, the tensed mood did not change because i didn't really want to snap out o my crappiness. i let my face to be stoned in a manner where no one would take the risk of talking to me. i succeeded, and even he did not pass a single hint of being concern. so, i do care about whether he cares or not. sigh.

when everyone finished their food, i walked back understandingly and immediately they moved from the table. the trio went on their way to the library and when the other 2/3 of the trio walked passed his gang, they bidded good bye. i, who walked behind the line, did not bother to talk of my eayphones and ignored everyone.

due to my moody pace which is normally uber slow, i was dragging my feet alone and walked to the studio although i know well they were at the library. sat on the fencing on the secondfloor and sang my heart out to songs from my player.

when it came to this particular song, i was reminded of him. he loves that song so much that i actually loaded it into my player. i mean, i used to love the song too, until it was overplayed by some cheesy radio station which annoyed the shit out of me. since the fever is over, i kinda got hooked to the song again.

first line, second line, third line, endng of fourth line, my mobile beeped to a received text message. it was him, asking me why i looked sad. though such images have been played by my imagination more than a million times, i was taken back for a while. i promised myself not to send him text message unless he starts a session. i never thought he would.

so there were the exchange of more text messages, and when one of the trio found out, she mentioned he might be falling for me in return. that was no surprise to yours truly as i do notice there was indeed mutual attraction. what made me surprised was that, i was not excited.

perhaps i was too moody to be excited, maybe the heart has already given up on such hope, probably because it was predicted. either way, i'm half happy that he cares, while the other half is sad to think about what might be of all this concern. siiigh.

2006-02-22T01:18:00.000+08:00

had a talk with mum yesterday, and boy do i realise how much i under estimated how wise an elderly can be. no doubt they can be a real pain in the arse at times, but when it comes to life, sometimes, putting down one's pride to consult them ain't such a bad idea.

first love promised to let me know when he reach his destination, to at least let me know he's still alive. somehow, even after 48 hours, i did not receive news about his well being. although knowing very well that i might just be thinking too much, but the fear still lingered.

finally, when i managed to get online, i saw a happy travelogue from dear first love. first reaction, great, he's alive. second reaction, stupid bastard, made me worry like nobdy's business. i was somewhat pissed. i mean, how not to? i hate it when i'm worried over nothing because the person responsible for such anxiety is irresponsible. pun intended.

there i was, feeling relived and pissed, but pride made me not want to start a conversation. i waited, and waited, and waited even more, but no, i was ignored. fine. anyway, went off for sports but midway, a friend called and spoke with a shocked tone. apparently, first love decided to declare to the world that his blog is dead. worried for the second time, i got a friend to help me get an idd card.

somehow, when i want to get the card, the friend was already asleep. so i thought, perhaps, it could wait, and i brushed it off. when the night got darker, so did my thoughts. i was even more worried this time because i was comfirmed that first love was upset. by the end of everything, as one can expect, i did not bother about the damn phone bill and made a call, thought knowing well he would be in bed already.

*rang for quite some time*

"hello?"
"mm."
"oh."
"yeah."
"i miss you."
*stunned*
"er, i don't know what's the correct pronounciation, but i read it by vice versa."
"i have no idea either."

just the beginning part of the conversation, at the end, i went to bed feeling mixed up. i know i still care a lot alot about him, but is it still love? or had it been infatuation right from the beginning? how can one phrase from him overthrow what i believe all along? i thought i was over and done. sigh, it was a lousy night.

the next day, mother called out of the blue and even more out of the blue, i told her about it. like, what the fuck? anyway, what she said made me think, and i feel like a damn tramp to always have to be the one makign the first move.

"he promised to call but he didn't. if he really missed you, he would have called no matter what. what doe he want from you? what is his problem?"

maybe he was dreaming when he picked up my call. maybe he was simply bullshitting. maybe he was sincere. whatever his reason was, i know i'm fucked up. sigh, and i thought i could dwell on happier thoughts longer.

2006-02-19T00:45:00.000+08:00

close to a year since my last post here, and i'm back 'cause the other site provides privacy insufficient to what i intend to say now.

the one i said i loved in the prevous post, hell, was like a dream come true to be attached to him for exactly half a year three days later. right now, four months and ten days, all i can say is that, life is full of changes, but i still love him.

at current time, he's probably ~~happily~~ napping in his new bedroom Down Under. slashed the happily because i know he was not too happy before going to bed. he said he miss me, and i am doubtless about it.

he passed a present to a friend to be passed to me when i'm back home. a valentine's present. with the gift, there was a letter. and dear friend was kind enough to scan it and send to me.

it was hard to read his bloody handwriting, with the addition of tears welling up as i go. sigh, tears my heart everytime he writes to/for/about me.

part of me is letting go already, while the other still hopes for a miracle after 5 years. i don't know what to expect from this.

the part which already let go, finds a particular mate attractive. lately, whenever i feel fucked up, i will have thoughts of callig him and tell him, instead of my first love. maybe he is only a stepping stone for me to move foward, since i doubt a promising bloom with him.

now that first love is gone, i can actually be free to fall in love again, but with a current candidate from anoter race, will i suffer like te exmple who lives with me? society's view, parents' requirement, personal needs, everything tells me the same story of how malay and chinese can't crossbreed. not in the sense that i fantasized of him naked. i just feel comfortable in his present. and there's a strong hint that such feelings are mutual.

gosh, why am i so unloyal yet in too deep? aren't those who are truly in love will not look/think about anyone but the love of their life? i admit, he probably isnt the love of my life, but to still feel infatuated when being attached, makes me feel like a tramp.

2005-04-06T05:00:00.000+08:00

5 in the morning, i'm still up.
i can't help feeling stupid.
i think i really am.
can't tell the one i love how much he means to me.
can't help friends i care for most.
can't even handle my life properly.
actually, what is this shit call life?

2005-03-29T04:56:00.000+08:00

once again, i have prove myself useless.
not only can i not help others, i make things worse for them.
evilness in me.
can someone teach me the art of being numb?
i can't stop this thing called emotion.
it has been controling my life so much i think i'm a slave to it already.

2005-03-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

even in here, i can't speak what's really on my mind. pathetic life i lead. when people ignore me, i feel bad. so bad i feel like shooting myself dead. but what do others feel when i ignore them? do they feel the same? according to my calculation, they don't have the right to feel bad. they are here to entertain me. so people, make me happy. now!

2005-02-06T03:46:00.000+08:00

i'm a sinner,
i ain't perfect,
all i'm asking for
is a little respect.

2005-01-27T03:47:00.000+08:00

is it better to have dreams and know you can never achieve them or to have no dreams at all? dreams keep you alive, it's a lie you choose to believe in. the best it can do is to make you believe you can do it[although it's crystal clear that you can't], keep you strong in faith, and at last, crash you down 6 feet under with disappointment. to not have dreams, you won't have things to hope for. therefore, you will suffer no disapponiment. but humans are to live with dreams and hopes. so what now? shoot myself dead?

to mum

2005-01-10T02:03:00.000+08:00

You're the one who gave me life,
thank you.
You're the one who brought me up,
thank you.
You gave me education you gave me food,
i thank you for those too.

When i was young, you gave me "char koay teow",
thank you for teaching me rights and wrongs.
As i get older, you gave me "truimph" and "kotex",
thank you for knowing what a girl wants.
Till now, i thank you for fulfilling all my needs,
whether it's giving me a new mobile,
or getting me the dress i didn't really want,
simply because you think it's the best.

Most importantly,
i thank you for giving me hopes and dreams,
confidence and self esteem,
but at the same time,
the one who crushes them all,
right before my very own eyes.

I thank you for feeding my physical needs,
but abandoning my emotional requirements.
I thank you for giving me names,
"arguement causer" and "bitch" are few of my favorite.

I thank you for allowing me to get my hair straighten,
in the year 2004,
which supposed to be my Christmas present,
in the year 2001.

I thank you for keeping me in,
when you insisted in thinking
I'm the one who's responsible
when you and Dad nearly got divorced.

I thank you for standing up against Dad,
so that i can finally get my first digicam,
with that,
you sent me up cloud 9.
In the end,
again it's your "no" needle,
which pricked and purst my bubbles,
sending me crashing down to earth,
flat on my face.

I thank you for getting me jobs,
which brought us cash cash and more cash,
at the same time,
blames and humiliations I can barely take anymore.

I thank you for ignoring me,
for my words are often boring,
but come to think of it,
truths and facts don't always come in fancy packages.

I thank you you for giving me ideas,
that I'd never thought of myself,
the best is "committing suicide",
while next comes "losing faith in God".

I thank you for being by my side,
at helpless times like this,
to give me another kick,
and send me straight to hell.

Gosh,
words are so damn little,
to show my appreciation.
Right after i die,
the first i seek revenge,
is definately you.

Dear Mum,
I love you.
But at the same time,
I hate you just as much.

2004-12-17T01:56:00.000+08:00

one of the worst thing to happen is not to realise how dumb you are, but realizing how dumb you are and there's nothing you can do about it. not even with the help of others. i trully wonder about my existance on earth. a time to doubt my faith: has God made a mistake to put me on earth without a future? i really hope to walk out of the house and get knocked to death by a drunk driver. and hopefully, he is able to hit and run and not get caught. know why i want him to be drunk? it's so that he wont have the memory of the incident and his conscience aint gonna eat him up. he did me a favour, why must he be punished?

2004-12-15T21:58:00.000+08:00

dislike people who plan to take control of other people's life. forcing others to do things they prefer than what the controlled party desires. on the other hand, hate the controlled party even more. for being so coward to stand up for their own rights. want to know why i am so against them? i am the one being controlled.

2004-12-15T19:00:00.000+08:00

i aint a good writer and i dont intent to have this done to entertain any party. keep this point clear if you're reading, i appreciate you to spend time here but dont tell me what to do. i live by the motto no rules. i do what I want. i dont give too shit if this aint your cup of tea.

2004-12-14T04:45:00.000+08:00

revealing my deepest desire, is that what i want to do? screw it, i do what i want.